Hell In A Hand Basket

Five days a week and sometimes six, I battle Lenny Kravitz. I thought if I set his "Good Morning" song on my alarm, it would make waking up a bit easier. So at 5:30 AM I hear, "Get up, get your feet on the ground. Wake up to a nice cold shower. The coffee's warm, but the cream is sour, so GET UP!..." It's not any easier to get up and honestly I can't stand hearing him. I'm beginning to not like him at all. Before his song was my alarm, you couldn't tell me he wasn't one of the sexiest men in the world. I press snooze every 10 minutes until I have no choice but to give in and then the rush begins. I don't know how I have good days because my mornings are always frantic, rushed and irritating. I have the nerve to get pissed off about not being able to lie in bed and be lazy. I repeat and repeat and repeat the same commands and reminders to Keona, "brush your teeth, hurry up, get your lunch, put on lotion, etc." I'm sure she's sick of hearing me like I am of Lenny Kravitz. Then we head down grid locked Slauson to get on the grid locked 405. Damn daily routine. By the time I drop Keona off it would be safe to say I cursed out a good 5 people either out loud or in my mind. All this and I haven't even made it to the good ole job.

Today I went to the Green Expo with a couple of coworkers. As I walked to our meeting place it was raining. I actually like when I have a chance to break out my "It's raining couture" Juicy umbrella. I feel cute with it?! As I was walking I saw the most adorable Asian girl with her Dad. She must go to the on lot day care. For a few seconds I fantasized about having a baby with an Asian man and wondered if I'd have a cuter baby with a Korean, Chinese or Japanese dude. I snapped out of it as two guys walked by me sharing an umbrella. For some reason I watched them and thought-that is so weird. Guys share umbrella space? It wasn't storming outside. These were clearly two coworkers. I meant to ask a guy friend if he'd huddle under an umbrella with a coworker to get from one building to another. I don't know about that.

The expo was cool. I did see one thing that pretty much grossed me out. There was a booth demonstrating a detoxing machine that uses ionic waves in water to release the toxins in your body. You sit in a chair for 30 minutes and and soak your feet in what looks like a pedicure spa. The water starts out clear, but after awhile it turns colors as the toxins release. This woman was sitting there and her water looked as if her feet were submerged in diarrhea. I was trying to pay attention to the information on the benefits of this machine, but I was completely mortified. They asked me if I had 30 minutes to try it out. I kindly declined, but in my mind I thought, "hell no!" I couldn't get away fast enough. On the ride back to work I still wondered wtf was that?

While back in my office the normal was happening. My TV was turned to ole Tyra again. My coworker asked me why I still watch it even though I complain about it every day. My response? "Because I don't have a remote." I can't get my over-weight butt up and use one finger to turn the channel?! I deserve to watch bad TV. Just this past week I watched people who have weird cravings. There was a woman that had to have a 10 pound hair ball removed from her stomach. She would constantly eat her hair. One woman would eat half a roll of toilet paper a day. Another would scratch her scalp to make scabs and then eat them. Today's show was a repeat of polyamorous couples. This is a new term I learned a couple of weeks ago when the episode first aired. It's a lifestyle for "respectful non monogamy". OMG. Oh, yeah on the second airing of Tyra today (yes there are two) they showed bisexuals who were married and men that did gay porn, but are straight. One guy was married with 3 kids. His wife didn't mind because she is bisexual too. Why would they get married? Then again, they do have things in common.

Somehow during all of this I got my work done and then went down the hall for a surprise "farewell" party for a coworker. She's been a temp in our department for a year. I really wish people would ask me to help during the setup of these parties. I don't think it's cool to have a nice cheese platter, but just open two boxes of crackers and put it to the side. The wine was peculiar. First, it was a chilled red wine. Yes, chilled. Secondly it was really sweet like Welches grape juice. Three people in the office thought it tasted like communion wine.

We wanted to take a group photo so a coworker ran over to payroll to get someone to take the shot. The person she got happens to have a wandering eye. I'm not clowning since my baby's daddy has that same kind of eye, just not as bad. I felt awful as he struggled to take the picture. He closed the eye and tried to focus. I think he was all too nervous about it because he had to take it over due to his shaking hand. The worst part was when the UPS guy came in to pick up packages and a couple people yelled for him to come and take the picture! OMG! Did they not realize they were insulting the payroll guy?! Poor guy said he got the picture and then we all dispersed. Two minutes later we had to gather up again and have the UPS guy take the picture. When we looked at the two pictures the payroll guy took they were blurry, almost like we were in motion. Leave him. He thought he took two good pictures.

After the picture posing, I wrestled a couple crackers out of the box, grabbed a cheese cube and drank my grape juice communion wine while listening to a coworker tell me why she and her boyfriend broke up. I had to ask since I noticed her status on facebook changed to "single". She was dating a guy that works in our building. I kept sipping the wine while trying to understand the logic in the breakup. He didn't trust her and believes she's been cheating on him during their entire 7 month relationship. She went back home to NY for the holidays. He told her that when she got back and they had sex, her "stuff" was tight. I'm still mind boggled over that logic. I had to ask her twice...did he mean "loose"? No, I heard her correctly, "tight". Because her stuff was tight, he thought she was cheating. At that point I almost wished I was back at the expo trying out the detox machine. TMI.